I think really this is a time for reassessment. My life is nowhere near where I expected to be right now. A year ago I was engaged in a long distance relationship, I was in college, ready to start student teaching, but generally pessimistic about things. I don't know why I was so pessimistic, because looking back, it sure seems like I should have been happy. But I really wasn't. Maybe my life was too planned out already. I felt suffocated. At 21 I already "knew" what I was going to do for the rest of my life and who I would spend it with.
I graduated from Illinois State in December with a B.A. in History Education. My student teaching went fairly well. I started looking for jobs. I was thinking that maybe I am not ready to be a teacher yet, that I am too young. I took a job working for a friend of mine as a favor, and I really enjoyed it. I was working run crew for a show with another fantastic person, and then working as a carpenter for the same theatre company. In the 3 months after my graduation I was happier than I had been in a long time because I had thrown my "plan" to hell.
I broke off my engagement in March. It has been 2 months since I did it and really I don't regret it at all. I feel liberated. I feel relaxed. I suppose that means that it was not meant to be, that the relationship would have ended eventually. It is probably good one of us realized that before we had a binding legal contract and children.
Two months later I am single, unemployed, out of school, with no real plan of action other than find some consistent income and I am really really happy.
I plan to go out to the arboretum tomorrow with my friend Chris. I will wear lolita, with flowers, and a hat. It seems appropriate.